Balancing Act
May 15, 2008
Every Saturday it is my daughter’s responsibility to water the house plants. In truth, I handed over this chore so that when things die I stopped taking it so personally! Last week, in the midst of this chore and with a deeply pondering energy, she asked, “mom, don’t you think it’s weird that a plant can die because it got TOO MUCH water?” I know she was referring to the tropical tree-type plant in my family room which is currently quite sad looking and over-watered.
I responded that, “No, it doesn’t strike me as odd at all, everything is about balance and plants are a great way for us to see how anything, even something perceived as good and life-giving, can be harmful when consumed in excess.” (At this point I had to put down the canister of chocolate covered raisins that I was absentmindedly eating as if it were the last food on earth).
I have to admit, I am coming out of one of the most un-balanced phases of my life. For various reasons, (like my husband being in law school or preparing for it for 3 years, one child becoming almost a teenager, and growing my own business. . . ) I have struggled with finding the combination of do/don’t do, rest/play, be busy/not busy enough that makes me feel like I am on even footing. Taking things off of my plate only seems to make room for something else that has been waiting on the buffet to jump on and throw my life off kilter again.
My solution? To trust that nature and the Universe seek balance. It is true, for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. Instability stems from putting more energy into those things that tip the apple cart and ignoring the things that balance it out. When I try to force the opposite and equal response it’s a little like giving the plant too much water — it backfires. With the exception of my chocolate consumption, I am learning to embody the concept of moderation. (At this point I’m still willing to deal with the opposite and equal consequences of over-consuming in this indulgence.)
So I would encourage you to resist making any immediate decisions the next time you are feeling overwhelmed. Take a few deep breaths and wait for a few minutes — see what comes to you. At the very least, you will feel ready to cope with how balance shows up!
Being Seen & Heard WITHOUT The Drama
April 30, 2008
Teri,
Lately it has come to my attention that I am an “over-the-top” person. By this I mean that I find myself getting increasingly more dramatic in social situations, including getting louder, extreme in my responses and angry with friends when they don’t respond. Recently I was with a friend and we were looking for a lunch spot. It was crowded and she was struggling to make up her mind about food. I loudly announced that “if we don’t eat right now I’m going to pass out!” This was not true, I was just tired of her dawdling. Help!?
Dear “Over-the-Top,”
I always tell my clients that recognition is the first step towards change. We cannot change what we refuse to see, so good for you for noticing something in your life that doesn’t seem to be serving you any longer.
It sounds like the root of your dilemma is being seen and heard. Truly experiencing others seeing you and hearing you does not mean that they can repeat your sentences or turn their back and tell you what you are wearing. Being seen and heard means that those around you are paying attention to you with an open heart. Unfortunately, our society has really embraced the “every man for himself” credo as most people are afraid that they won’t get what they want or feel they need. For people who find themselves being “extreme,” I would suggest that you regularly feel as though your wants and needs are overlooked by those around you — whether or not that is actually true.
To be seen and heard, we must first learn to express ourselves with a good dose of self-love as well as kindness towards those we will be interacting with. So, in the case of your lunch-time debacle, perhaps next time you can start off by saying something like, “I’m really hungry today, I’m in the mood for soup or sandwiches, how about you?” If after a few minutes your friend doesn’t seem to have heard you, try setting a boundary remembering that you both share the same goal–lunch together. That might look like this, “Hey, we’ve been walking for 10 minutes now and I really do need to eat; let’s stop for a moment and make a plan for getting to lunch.” You’ve now addressed your needs in a clear and loving way; chances are, she’ll be grateful that you are stating your desires. For those people who still refuse to see or hear you, well, you may need to consider moving on as these people will just perpetuate your feelings of invisibility.
For those of you who are thinking, “I’m not extreme but I have a co-worker, sibling, spouse for friend who is,” there is hope for you too! These people in your life are suffering just like our brave friend who wrote in. We tend to think of these people as “obnoxious energy drains,” but the truth is they are feeling invisible and doing everything in their power to be seen and heard. Be warned, you cannot do this half-hearted as a way to appease someone, your actions need to be genuine. If they are, you will have wonderful results. Try repeating the need back to the person who is extreme (using different words, otherwise you sound like a parrot) and then empower them to ask for what it is they really need. For example, the co-worker who is ranting about quitting because he is so under-appreciated you might say, “As I listen to you talk, it sounds like you enjoy the work but really want to be acknowledged for your contributions to the group. I wonder who who it is that you want to receive feed-back from the most?” You’ve seen them, heard them and empowered them to take the next step. Now, if they just want to whine, well. . . that’s a topic for another day!
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